Title graphic



None of this is mine and little of it is credited to the funny folks who wrote it. I've come across most of it online. Enjoy!

You know the world is going crazy when...


Spiked Hair


Thinker's Anonymous


French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan

Employee Evaluations

Enron's fuzzy Capitalism

The Buddhist and the Hot Dog Vendor

Washington Post's Style Invitational

Female Brains

Watching the Apples


Quotations from women about women


The world according to Steven Wright

Call to boycott the letter between "C" and "E"

GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0

Holiday recipe from Julia Child

New office technology

Academic Humor

A little baudy humor



"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'"

attributed to Chris Rock in the e-mail I got

Back to top

The chicken and the egg:

A  chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on HIS face.

The  egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and  says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!

Back to top

Spiked Hair

A young man walked up to a bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: red, orange, green, blue and yellow.

The old man sitting next to him just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Back to top


It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small

And last but not least:
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

Back to top

Thinker's Anonymous:

Do You Think To Much?

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Back to top

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the check-out counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me.
They're for my brother, he's four.  We saw on TV that if you used these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."

Back to top

French Intellectuals to be Deployed in Afghanistan To Convince Taliban of Non-Existence of God

The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God.

Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by
numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris's Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe. They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else.

Their leader, Colonel Marc-Ange Belmondo, spoke yesterday of his confidence in the success of their mission. Sorbonne graduate Belmondo, a very intense and unshaven young man in a black pullover, gesticulated wildly and said, "The Taliban are caught in a logical fallacy of the most ridiculous. There is no God and I can prove it. Take your tongue out of my ear, Juliet, I am talking."

Marc-Ange plans to deliver an impassioned thesis on man's nauseating freedom of action with special reference to the work of Foucault and the films of Alfred Hitchcock.

However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the FrenchmenFs' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible
toll on civilians in the area.

*Note: This may have originated on Micheal Kelly's Page of Misery - which has some other fun bits on it - like this: click here

Back to top

These quotes were purportedly taken from Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better."

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

"He's been working with glue too much."

"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

"One neuron short of a synapse."

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

Back to top


Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism - You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.

Totalitarianism - You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned. Ê

Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism - You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Back to top

The Buddhist and the Hot Dog Vendor:

What did the Buddhist say to the Hot Dog Vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the pick of the literature:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Back to top

Female Brains

A family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."  The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"  The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.  A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask. "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

Back to top

Watching the Apples:

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note: "Take only one--God is watching."

Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A boy wrote a note: "Take all you want--God is watching the apples."

Back to top


I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?

Back to top

Quotations from women about women:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Quotations from women about women . . . . . . .

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
Helen Hayes (at 73)

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
Bette Davis

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
Catherine Aird

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
Janette Barber

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
Jan King

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
Carrie Snow

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
Laurie Kuslansky

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first is..... hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
Erma Bombeck

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
Jane Sellman

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
Caryn Leschen

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
Erica Jong

I think----therefore I'm single.
Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Elayne Boosler

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man -if you want anything done, ask a woman.
Margaret Thatcher

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Back to top


A vampire bat came flapping in from the night with his mouth and face covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to get lost and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in. OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes " the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't ."

Back to top


I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

You can't have everything...where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

While I was gone, someone stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I told my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the rooms above so I never have to go upstairs.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch."

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.

Back to top

Call to boycott the letter between "C" and "E":

NEW YORK--A spokesperson for the letter D announced Monday that the consonant is withdrawing sponsorship from Sesame Street following a Children's Television Workshop announcement that a homosexual muppet will soon join the show's cast.

"The letter D is proud to have brought you many wonderful Sesame Street episodes throughout the program's 28-year history," said Patricia Willis, public-relations director for D. "But the letter D does not condone the sort of morally questionable lifestyles that Sesame Street is advocating with the introduction of this new character. It can no longer in good conscience associate itself with the show."

Willis said D's withdrawal is effective immediately, and applies to both capital and lower-case versions of the letter.

The gay muppet, "Roger," will be introduced on Sesame Street Dec. 23, CTW director Leslie Charren said. Thus far, no other sponsors have
pulled out, though the number seven has requested an advance tape of the episode before it makes a decision.

Many public-television insiders believe D's withdrawal was motivated by a desire not to alienate religious conservatives, a section of the population that employs the letter frequently.

"D is for, among other things, demagoguery, dogma and doctrine, words crucial to right-wing groups like the Christian Coalition," said Yale University political-science professor J. Wright Franklin. "It is likely that D felt it could ill afford to offend such a large segment of its users."

While a long-term replacement for D has not yet been secured by Sesame Street, the number three will temporarily fill in for it in a number of the show's animated shorts. Other pieces will simply skip from C to E, with vocalists stretching out C into two syllables to match the rhythm of the alphabet song.

Sesame Street is stung by the sudden departure of its longtime supporter. Speaking to reporters, cast member Cookie Monster said: "Me disappointed letter D choose to end relationship with Sesame Street due to pressure from extremely vocal minority. We accused of endorsing deviant lifestyle. Me say homosexuality natural, not immoral. Diversity and enrichment. That's good enough for me."

Back to top

Wife 1.0:

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the
product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherlnLaw 55.8 and BrotherlnLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0.
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at any time without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks -- all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

* * * * * * BUG WARNING * * * * * *

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Back to top

Holiday recipe from Julia Child:

"This is my favorite recipe for fruitcake.

You will need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of
salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and a bottle of whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to ensure the quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Try another cup.

Turn off the mixerer. Break two eggs, add the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck to the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for shlonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt....or something...Who cares?...Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Moon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again and go to bed!

Back to top

New office technology:

Subject: Y2K Solved Corporate HQ has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by January, 1999. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No Y2K problems.
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.
4. Substantial hardware cost savings.

Frequently Asked Questions for the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen. What do I do?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a new document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and the foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

Back to top

Academic Humor:

Having read lots of academic stuff by way smart people, it has come to my attention that I really need to polish my writing skills. I've put together a few pointers, not only to help myself, but hopefully to help those of us who are aspiring academicians (or at least to help those of us who would like to graduate) to write better and to get famous. So here are the pointers:

1) It is best to begin any academic piece by discussing the enormous flaws in other people's writings (preferably in the work of those who are well-known) and suggesting the over-arching need to develop "a more complex theoretical framework." For a seasoning of variation, you may want to refer to this as an "analytical framework" or "methodological framework." It is really not important that the need for a more complex framework actually exists, or that you even understand what the word framework means. Most good academicians are simply interested in reading how other people goofed up and how you (and, of course, they) had been right all along.

2) In fact you may want to refer to the key concepts in the work of your predecessors as "over-simplifications" and "constructs" in desperate need of enlightened deconstruction. Tag these flawed concepts with with adjectives sporting prefixes laden with academic savoir-faire. Especially good are "pseudo-" "quasi-" and "proto-." If you've got room, you may want to stick in an "epi-". Everyone knows that "socio-" plus any other adjective you can think of will rack up points and get lots of nods from the silver-haired folks in the front row.

3) Use the word "revisionist" a couple of times, and critique the literature of the "revisionists," but avoid having yourself labeled as such. Instead, precede your observations with phrases such as "more plausible," "seemingly," and "entirely more likely" to suggest a healthy but informed skepticism. Vacuous conclusions such as these will also relieve you of any obligation to defend yourself should someone prove you a doofus-head in the long run.

4) Never, ever, talk simply about "thoughts" or "ideas" lest you be associated with Joe-Bob the Tractor Pull King. Speak instead of "conceptual formulations" or how your new framework or methodology will "modify the way we think about," or "transform our notions of." Emphasize that your ideas turn mere "thinking" on its head and promise a Golden Era of Peace and Prosperity for the free world and most of the known universe.

5) This one goes without saying, and we've all heard it before, but USE BIG WORDS. Most of these can be taken out of any GRE or LSAT study guide. More impressive, however, are those that cannot be found in any dictionary whatsoever. Common in-dictionary stand-bys are "anachronistic" "ancillary" "anodyne" "obviate" and "stochastic." If you want to impress a professor by proving an English word CAN in fact contain four consonants in a row, toss in "autochthon." (You could debate the merits of similarly using "diphthong," but it has the added disadvantage that the professor probably knows what it means. And again, the professor is less interested in etymological tourism than in how your "more complex theoretical framework" makes all previous research look like drool). Do not engage in a discussion regarding the nuances between "thrifty" "frugal" "miserly" and "parsimonious." These are certainly good words, but most of us have seen that SAT analogy question before. Any words ending in "-ist" make you look both well-read and verbally efficient. Instead of discussing "people who are interested in the practical applications of their research," call them "functionalists" and be done with it. Again, "revisionist" is a pretty good buy as is "realist" or "institutionalist," though "Maoist" may get you in hot water if you are talking about certain politicians. Although words like "lugubrious" may have little place in your paper, they are fun to say and will likely provoke a subconscious affinity for you on the part of a word-weary professor.

5) Last but not least, call your study, cursory glance, or quick reading of the book jacket "an in-depth analysis of the literature." This, of course might be a lie, but you're the one with the "more complex theoretical framework" and therefore allowed to take some well-deserved artistic license.

Back to top

A little baudy humor...

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.  He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot.  So he says that he will wager and pay $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.  A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.  Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmi Hendrix.  The guitar man pays up his $50.  Another guy walks up with a trumpet.  This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis.  This guy pays up his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes.  He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.

"Ha!" the Scot says.  "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it?  I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off!"

Back to top

A woman goes in to see her doctor and says, "Doctor, every time I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The doctor asks, "Really? What are you taking for it?"

The woman answers, "Pepper."

Back to top

So this woman dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets her at the gate and offers to take her on a tour. She agrees and they start off. After a while they pass a pit full of people screaming and wailing and tearing at their clothes.

The woman asks Saint Peter, "Who are those people?"

Saint Peter answers, "Those are the Catholics who ate meat on Friday."

They continue on and come across another pit full of people screaming and wailing and tearing at their clothes.

The woman asks, "Who are they?"

Saint Peter answers, "Those are the Baptists who went to dance halls."

They continue on and come across yet another pit full of people screaming and wailing and tearing at their clothes.

The woman asks, "And who are they?"

"Those are the Episcopalians who ate their salads with their dessert forks."

Back to top

Welcome | Written | Pictured | Seen | E-mail

© 2001 CBrulee
All Rights Reserved.